i guess things just don't start out too well. so i got pangseh-ed by my good friend, my dear evonne, and i already had my schedule to fit that date. and so its useless. then colin calls, and tell me my schedule's not confirmed cause its in grey. which is so dumb cause i really have no idea why it is in grey. wtf. and so i call shenzi, and now i'm still working half day, but fuck, instead from 11-5, its now 5-10. even when i told him i can work full shift since i not clubbing with evonne anymore. really, i'm feeling the dumps now.
and there my dad goes again. its really understandable that he's worrying about our family's finaces. but he nags so continuously. maybe, or really, i find him telling us the ugly truth, and me myself trying to deny the facts presented in front of me. sigh.
and because of it, i find myself renewing my stand on why i work at NUM and not some other better paying job. my stand: the job as NUM keeps me busy. away from home and its responsibilities. and of course the nags. selfish i know i am. but if you had live my life for the last 18 years, enduring the harsh beatings when young, the constant rebuttals by my dad and mom, i definitely assure you, you would feel the same. and who knows, my parents are lucky that i turned out this way, instead of a rebel of family, social norms, society at large.. i always comfort myself using this excuse. ha.
wel well, another expected event. tania won't be able to meet me for supper. and i'm so bored. i wanna get out. i really do. find back a sanctuary where i am able to use my intellectual ability to criticse and explain or learn new ideas, or old knowledge. i want to go back to school of thought and learn. know the ugly world. know how to help myself. salvage myself. prevent myself from falling into the pits of vice ( smoking, clubbing, drinking )
push my re-start button? nah. i don't think so. i'm strong where i am now. just that, i live in a life where everything don't go well. i live in rejections not disappointments and treat acceptance as bonuses and not as the norm. get what i mean? everything about me is a reject. acceptance is a bonus of life.
and there my dad goes again. its really understandable that he's worrying about our family's finaces. but he nags so continuously. maybe, or really, i find him telling us the ugly truth, and me myself trying to deny the facts presented in front of me. sigh.
and because of it, i find myself renewing my stand on why i work at NUM and not some other better paying job. my stand: the job as NUM keeps me busy. away from home and its responsibilities. and of course the nags. selfish i know i am. but if you had live my life for the last 18 years, enduring the harsh beatings when young, the constant rebuttals by my dad and mom, i definitely assure you, you would feel the same. and who knows, my parents are lucky that i turned out this way, instead of a rebel of family, social norms, society at large.. i always comfort myself using this excuse. ha.
wel well, another expected event. tania won't be able to meet me for supper. and i'm so bored. i wanna get out. i really do. find back a sanctuary where i am able to use my intellectual ability to criticse and explain or learn new ideas, or old knowledge. i want to go back to school of thought and learn. know the ugly world. know how to help myself. salvage myself. prevent myself from falling into the pits of vice ( smoking, clubbing, drinking )
push my re-start button? nah. i don't think so. i'm strong where i am now. just that, i live in a life where everything don't go well. i live in rejections not disappointments and treat acceptance as bonuses and not as the norm. get what i mean? everything about me is a reject. acceptance is a bonus of life.
posted by swensen-s- at 5:56 AM
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