its 37 days left

i thought about it today. and i sort out figured out something. i was feeling so down, because i have been too consistent in making contacting her.. too often. it became too much of a habit for both of us, well, at least for me..

well i figured out that, we thought we drift away fast if we didn't contact each other often, that isn't much of a truth anyway. its just because we got too used to making contact, so when it doesn't happen for a day, it feels like a lifetime that we didn't call or talk at all, while in fact, we both are still the same kind of person we are. nothing changed. we still are the very person we knew each other were.

i do hope she had figured out this too.. and begin to realise, that my trust in her is what others can't give, and i hope she do the same to me too... =)

no matter what, i, xuan sheng, still have a long path ahead of me. i will continue to walk my path, alone or in another person's arms, the path will still be walked.

date: 23/9/06

while i was waiting patiently for this page to load, i suddenly lost my inspiration to write all my happenings from my last post. well, almost. most significantly, i realised there's 38 days to the start of my A levels from today. 38 days to revise my four subjects.

there's a part of me, who just keep repeating itself, reminding me that my jc days are shortlived, and it will end soon, so i had better pull up my socks to start really my intensive studying. yet, there's the other part. there always is. its the part that keeps saying, its all right to take a break from my just-finished prelimnaries. enjoy a week off from studying. and its okay to do so.

and you know, i guess its what everyone feeling now. but these are my feelings to feel. my own. no one shares it with me, and only i know how i really feel. being honest, is hardly a value anymore. its just my thought. there are probably a thousand and one people out there who are so willing to prove otherwise anyway.

well, my prelims were over a few days ago, and its been a fun 4 plus days. "fun"/ if that includes rotting at home, feeling discarded after being used by someone, or hardly being appreciated for my efforts, having some lonely nights thinking of someone but that someone just don't know how to appreciate my very existence in this world. but it was a hell of a experience to club at ministry of sound. it was a great place. i think most clubs are. but hell no to the expensive drinks, and alcohol. i ran on friday after having clubbed on wednesday night, and the run was terrible. maybe was the excessive alcohol, or me just being plain tired. anycase, clubbing should only be left to at most once a month for now. that's me, unwilling to spoil my beautiful body, and the fitness i build up for so long.

papers are coming back on wednesday. yet, i don't really give a damn about the results anymore. i have come to realise, its the As. its the As that matter. and i have yet to prove to myself that i am REALLY mugging for it. *come on xuan sheng. do it... its become clear to me now, that SMU's the place for me to continue my tertiary education. i want to enter the school of business management to obtain my bachelor, yet at the same time, try to go for a double degree course, which the other will be economics. that's ideal. or it could be another scenario, to get into ocs, try for a SAF scholarship and not worry about my education fees anymore. plus, all i have to do is sign for a few years after completing my studies, serve my nation as a captain in the army. looks like i got my path to life all planned out already. =)

all week, after the last meeting with her, its been tough on me. the status so unclear, that i'm stuck in no man's land. i can't go back to the normal times where i could just call, send a message so effortlessly without thinking. nor i could take an extra step to do something more than that. i just need a sign. or an answer. anything is fine. just don't fuck my life upside down with your hesistation.. really.. all i want is to be recognised, and appreciated. hardly anything difficult to give.

55 days to the end. it will pass fast, just like how it did before our prelims. and i could red highlights in my hair, spending nights at zouk, double Os, MOS.. where girls are aplently, and i could hook them up. haha. i will be worry-less! responsibility could be thrown out of the window then. as in responsibility to study.. ahaha. man, i getting nowhere now. thinking too far ahead. just hope my days to come, will be much better. hope. its the only quality that simultaneously gives strength to humans, yet at the same time weakens people. it turns logic to nothing. yeah. crap.