okay. i lied to someone today. i didn't had to do that actually. i could have just told him the honest truth, but i didn't. lying seemed so much easier to do at that instance. but it turned out different. its difficult to maintain. and it guilts me. lesson learned : honesty is better. it may hurt at first, but it would turn out better. definitely.

been spendin quite a bit lately. though i know, i don't buy 60 dollar polo tees, or 80 dollar paul smith belts, or some 120 dollar jeans, i still can't bear to take that sum of money out to buy things that i like. yes, i do not need it. but it sucks not buying. family's not in a good monetary situation now, so until my clients start coming in, i don't think i will ever spend an extra 200 more of clothes.

now, i'm looking at my younger brother strumming his guitar to some tune that the guns and roses played. he seems pretty good at it, but he plays whats he's good at, and not trying to improve his mistakes. that's bad, but i don't know how to put it to him. a kid now at his puberty stage, i don't think he can take that positively.

my 18's coming too. yippie. but then, i've been trying to play myself down. keep telling myself, its not important at all. doesn't mean anything much. just more responsibilities. but deep down, there's this stupid voice that continuously whisper "yeah man, time to be selfish, demand for more money to spend." haha. but if i got only 1 wish, i want everyone around me to be really happy. just plain happy, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness. yepp. =) i think i've grown up.

hoho. its been like 10 days since my last post. and i guess there's been quite a major change in my life now.

cause.... the A LEVELS ARE OVER! i'm done with the exams and quite glad. but all of a sudden, i feel a sense of helplessness, that we no longer have a fixed objective in mind, and everything's possible. we no longer have to worry about the next and upcoming exams, nor the countless hours spent on studying. nope, no more of that, all we have is really, endless possibilities. its just whether we choose to do it a not.

since the A's end, i guess i haven't been doing much productive work. i just swim and run on 1 day, and work out the next and so on. i feel i'm becoming fitter, with better aerobic fitness with the aplenty swims and runs, and the gym sessions have been good, quite intense. yeah. hope to carry on this lifestyle when i'm starting on work.

hmmm, the PT dream is becoming real. i've just consulted mr tong on it, and i believe with a few changes made to my plans, i think i might actually make it happen. even if it doesn't work out, i know there will be a market who wants my services : my peers who are going into the army. they should be willing to fork out 15 an hour for me to train them. together with the job at venture, and NUM, i think i can make quite a bit.

coming to think of it, this new phase really brings plenty of oppourtunities to expand my network and discover new things, be it good or bad. new responsibilites, new committments.. i think its good. yepp.

shopping has been a killer, but yeah. finally managed to settle for one that i really like! haha. maybe just have to make it better, or nicer alternatives would be great. prom, a nice place to end my JC life with a BANG! guys at their best, girls in their nicest, it would be a great sight. amen!

now, i'll just meet up with friends for the week, then i really begin to work on my plans to be a PT. hope it succeeds!

well, i just went for a short run alone. again. 25 minutes of solitude, away from the family, away from my papers and notes, away from my troubles.

just pure bliss of breathing, panting, with my pespiration dripping down my forehead, feeling it row down my arms. the shirt gets heavier with my pespiration and the cyclo-movement of the legs and the swinging arms. i feel so much better after a run, that i just have been lifted out of quicksand, so free, feeling great to be alive once more.

but the thing that troubles me most of the time, is that i find myself alone. there's hardly anyone that can share the joy of running whenever they want to and able to. i can't relate to people who love the feel of breezing through the chlorinated waters of the neighbourhood pool, or gliding through the air while on the run (literally). except for good friends that i have in school, namely kaiyuan (who's the closest to being my buddy in loving exercising and soon to be partners in business), jun xiong (he's a great guy, loyal, thoughful for others, have a appetite to be fit too but not as much), errol ( he's the best buddy that i can talk to. full of nonsense yes, but honest, able to relate beneath surfaces and he makes me feel appreciated), hui sin (she's those crazy about running and swimming like me, but her mood swings puts me off most of the times) , justin ( he's a damn nice guy, i can talk to him and feel very comfortable ) , and there a few people in school whom i know are great people, and great friends, there isn't much people that understands who i am inside, that i'm a guy who needs more attention and appreciation because he wasn't given it since young, that can guide me along my path of searching for my self.

its just heartening to see my friends. i'm overjoyed when i'm with them. they give me a special feeling that makes my existence worthwhile you know?

after 2 weeks of slugging it out, i'm down to the last week of the exams. and its also the most challenging week. 7 papers within 3 days? yeah. its going to be tough, an uphill battle that i must win and not lose. but the exams, seriously, have no meaning to me. it doesn't show that i'm a better human being, it doesn't show that i can relate to people and help them to accept their difficulties. no, all it does is to further categorise us into A scorers, B scorers.... that some people are better than others and the rest losers, non-achievers. that those who score are elites and the rest deserved to be stepped upon. its not meant to be like that in life. you have a life, and that's special. no need to say more, just feel.

i feel my love lacks a medium for it to bask in. i want to pour it on you.

okays. its like the 5th of november already. just 12 more days to the end, and within this 4 days, i have to complete 4 A level subjects, 11 papers in total. that kind of sucks la. especially the last week, where the 3 days of continuous double papers in a day. but coming to think of it, i guess its not that bad to quickly finish up the entire A levels. not bad at all....

i went to take a look at how the juniors were faring in camp. yeah, they're pretty good. seeing them all laugh together during dinner and games. wished my batch were a bit more like them, more like a team. and not guys and girls team. no doubt, my guys were stronger than this year, and i'm grateful to my guys for that! THANKS GUYS!

okay. been thinking of post As activities. the main thing i've been actually thinking hard about is setting up a business to share my love and passion for being fit. to share with people, what can being fit do to your confidence and health levels. it did a lot for me, and i want to share it with as many people as i can. this is what i plan to do after my A's. yepp. and train alot. by training - run, swim, gym, dragonboat, cycle. and go scuba diving. yeah man. been missing out on that for more than a year now.

the marathon's coming too. i was just wondering how did i ever complete the entire 42km last year. its like bloody 42km la. i'm like so going to torture myself for 6 hours or so on the 3rd of december. =X i hope the company i have can run with me all the way (which i hardly think is possible) dear dickson, i'm not discriminating you. haha. you just run a bit slow, that's all =) the elite way of apologising : i'm sorry that i made you sound weak.

yeah. got around 2 weeks after the As to 3rd december. will swim and run every 2 days. swim in the morning, run in the evening. SO EXCITING LA. then the last week will cut down on the running, no use tiring my legs out on the last week. its more harm than beneficial.

then comes prom. ugh. haven't got my clothes. need to buy, spend money, feel quite bad to use so much money after As. especially my mum's. even when we are facing a decreasing income, i still spend that amount. really, i feel bad, but i need to spend it! its for my prom! yes people, i'm very materialistic at times, i can't control the urge in me to indulge in nice wears. i'm going to be a great looking guy at prom. =)

okay. the next paper is maths p1, followed by chemistry p3 then maths p2. then that's it for the week. come on, i think i all right for maths already. chemistry too. both just needs a bit fine-tuning that's all. simple task! oh yeah, if you're looking at this blog...


i would just like to find out where i suck at. as in personality wise. i really want to be a better guy. thanks!

okay. so that's it. i've taken my first 2 papers of the A levels. now, it didn't felt that bad as i thought it would have. as a matter of fact, i only felt the anxious just before entering the venue. all along, i thought i was calm enough, more than some of my class-mates, who were cramming their heads with SOT notes right down to the last minute. i didn't know how much of that they studied they managed to use.

so the paper today was allright. i did "does modern technology always improve quality of human life?" i actually scanned through all the questions first. i was tempted to do the first one, on discussing the place for charity in the world today. but i realised i haven't got my mind to be nimble enough to link it to world issues to make it stand out. so i took a gamble and went for the more down-to-earth question. so me right... yeah, anyway, i realised there were plenty of others who did the same question as me. so now, its a matter of playing with the bell curve, and i believe my essay would be part of the top 40%, cause i thought i had examples, i had that bit of language and i kinda organised my points. just hope the examiners don't spot my weakness in the first 2 paragraphs, of focusing on the power of media today.

AQ was all right. and it was meaningful. "how free you want to be". man, indeed, a lot of us would disagree with the author that freedom must be given up first. i think a lot of JC students don;t realise the responsibility that they need to have before they can even use freedom in their lives. its just irresponsible behaviour to say "i just want to do what i want" i mean come on. you most probably kill yourself with drugs. no doubt, there are circumstances where we need to be given the right to excersise freedom in some parts of our lives. but we must be responsible. that's it. and the choice we make, we must bear the consequences. stop behaving that they will be someone to back your ass. there isn't in the real world. we must begin to realise that as an entire generation before we can become adults who will improve the entie status quo of singapore. and finally making it a better place to live in.

finally, as i begin to distant myself from her, which i find myself so unwillingly to do so, and painfully at the same time, i begin to understand that we aren't made to be together or whatever sort. i just don't fit her bill, and i realised somehow, she don't fit my bill. kinda different backgrounds. i don't understand her. and i think she doesn't undertstand me too. i think i won't court her again after the As. i'm afraid of another rejection. but i'm also affraid to see her in another guy's arm, then asking myself why i can't be that guy, and where am i not good enough in. really. love hurts. so envious of those who have it.