missed me?!

haha. i haven't been blogging for quite some time already. its been, like almost 10 days since my last post? yep, its been that long. well, everyone's the same during the examination period. i mean, who has the extra time to go online and blog about their dreadful papers for that day. any extra time would have been used more productively in studying and revising for the mid-years.

hmm. i'm jsut going to summarise what has happened for the last 10 days. last week, after national schools, i have been going to school to study with a usual group of people, and i have come to realised that they might be my future study group till the A levels. haha. they consist of all dragonboaters, with fuquan, jian hao, and jun xiong girlfriends. haha. i always laugh at how those couples study together and poke fun of each other. however, there are times, in midst of those senseless laughter and nonsensical jokes, when i just stopped laughing and think about how it would have been possible between me and her. like the rest of the couples, me and her studying together too. man, i think i have been thinking too much. i have gotta stop thinking all these thoughts. kind of dentrimental to my own mind.

but that is not to say, that i won't think about it too. being over concern is a big NO NO, but just at times, i think about it, and hey, who knows things might brighten up for me. zhen you and gang said that its possible she will change her mind, but i somehow got the feeling she won't, as she's got quite strong character and will always standby her decision. though she does not seem to be on the surface, but i do think she has the personality. =)

okays, back to this week, exam exams and bad papers. not enough sleep, and constant worrying about my grades and the dragonboat festival this weekend. its tough to divide our attention to both major events, and i can foresee that we won't do well in both. for my grades, i'd be happy if i got back a C for all topics. and if we managed to enter the semi finals for both events in dragonboat festival. tough competitors, unprepared NYdragonboaters. haha. wish me luck. we need it.

erm, i can't help it but to say this feeling of waiting kinda sucks actually. but i'm willing! haha. willing to undertake the long waits, rejections, and even the cold shoulder if it happens during this period of time. i just hope that she could at least, like give me some assurances or anything that would just lighten up my day or the week. haha. yeah. the power of your emotions.

by the way, you all need to check out foreign policy. its www.foreignpolicy.com seriously, after reading those "think-agains" and other topics and opinions, you will feel like a kid growing up in world whose ugly face you could have never seen, or finally saw the bright light in dark situations or media-defined evils. yep. its time to grow up.

i really don't know what to say. honestly, the feelings are just.. i can't describe them.

1 and a half years of working really hard. giving up on so many other committments. really focusing on dragonboating itself. going through ups and downs. sacrificing so much time and effort(money too). i've come to accept all these as part of my life. and now, its all over. it ended just yesterday.

the guys took home

1 silver for the 20 mens
1 bronze of the 10 mens

i am damn proud of everyone. really. i feel so close with them, that nothing can bring us apart.

unexpectly, we got the A division Mens Champion.

*everyone come back now! mr lee wants to debrief us before we leave for tampines
*okays okays! (walking back)
*"A division mens champion.... NANYANG JC"
*huh??!
*most probably they mixed up us and Njc again
*yu xiang comes running with the CHAMPION CUP, kssing it.
*everyone screams

that's how we took it home. our sweetest victory ever.

inside me, i really don't want my team to end. i don't want them to step down. i want them to continue rowing together.

but we have to leave. *thanks guys.

guys do cry. real guys do.

there's just so much inside me now. i can't put in down in words.

new hope.

tuesday training sets at bedok reservoir brought about 2 words.

NEW HOPE.

our boat, albeit a few spilt second moments of unsynchronised rowing, glided fairly well. i'd figure i could use the word "good" too.

now, chances of having a medal in my hands at the end of National School's seem much brighter.

i really thank the team who gave me this great experiance.

and i realised, the boat was feeling good, when everyone in the boat itself felt good.

i hope it will continue to be this way throughout our final steps.

i don't regret being in this team. my family.

guys, thanks alot.

its coming back slowly.

sure.

a full-20 rowers boat feels good.

the warm-up run to sheares bridge feels good.

race sets, not so good. but improving.

everyone's beginning to loosen up a little. beginning to really hunger.

telling themselves, not to give up when they could.

i thank you guys for making it feel good today.

its still better than the thursday training.




i can't wait for national school's to be over.
but i can wait for her answer.

fallen.

its abit early to tell whether we could still win. given those crappy race sets that the year 2s have rowed so far. i mean, we have rowed for more than 6 months with mr lee. yet, our boat just can't go together, and the situation has become worse. its like each man rowing his own 24-men boat. and with each passing training, i see those eyes, filled with disappointment, and somehowing feeling useless that they can't help the boat to go faster. each day, i see a team mate fall, giving up on themselves, and most importantly the team.

i can't help it to feel this way too. the situation looks bleak. the chances of holding something in our hands are slim. i know. everyone else in my boat knows it deep down. they just don't want to show it.

but yet, for myself, i know that i have not given up on everything else. there's still plenty to look for. the shimmer of a silver lining still remains, far far over the horizon. i want to pass this thought to my other team-mates.

i saw kenneth's tan nickname on msn today. and it somehow got me to feel good again.

it read,

"i can give everything, but up."

there's still one last chance tomorrow morning.

i will give everything, but up. i promise.

its nearing to 17th.

i'm counting down to my national school's.

10 days left. 5 training sessions.

looking back, i think i have kind of come quite far. from a guy whom have no idea about dragonboating, living fit, and no idea what was creatine and NO then. i really think i have grown up.

and i have cried twice for dragonboat. for myself and the team. the only two times, i have seriously let my feelings take over me. now, life seems so much more dark, and questionable.

i wonder what lies ahead. in front of me. after july. what's going to happen.

so many questions are popping in my head. but the main one is, am i going to be with her? can i be with her? hmmm. chances are, not really high. i can't help but to feel this way.

scuba diving suddenly seems close to me. now i have got the time to do it. after a 1 year absence from the diving scene. yay! probably one of the first things i will do is go diving at pulau aur, or pulau dayang. maybe redang? haha.

too many decisions i have to make. too many faiths i will take away. even my own, maybe. i can only wish things will shine in the end. my efforts will pay off. that i can look back when i'm out of this team, and smile to myself, saying, this was the best time of my jc life.

i owe mr lee a word of thanks. going to help him run the year 1s if he needs the help. will come back and coach those buggers(haha.) and turn them into the singapore's top 5 teams in the singapore regatta in nov.

but now, its back to me. myself. my effort. my team.

hair picts.

finally uploaded my pictures.

breaking down of a man.

when the emotional levels reach a certain stage, they just take over the entire person.

no matter how hard you try to resist.

no matter what you tell yourself.

i almost cried before the second half of rowing today. but i held it back.

but, i cried at home.

i sat down.

a tear rolled down.

eyes getting watery.

and i broke down in tears.

i cried.

because i've suddenly lost faith.