just a few hours off a day, and that's it. the A's are here.

responsible blogging. that's what singaporeans should aim for, when they decide to net their opinions about certain issues. okay, crap, how many of us actually think that we should even be responsible when doing it online. we all know the power of annyomonousity (okay, pardon the spelling) when blog online, that we know no one would ever know that it is us that are behind those stupid comments. hell with it anyway.

i just watched al gore's "the inconvenient truth". they say its about global warming issue, that people, indeed are the precise undoing of mankind. we are killing ourselves. i feel i shouldn't explain the movie in my post, but i rather you go watch it yourself. i felt the movie was more than just the whole issue of global warming. it was more of an appeal to connect with the human being inside every one of us, to agree on the issue that it would be unethical to continue degrading the environment in the way we are now. seriously, i walked out of the cinema feeling different from the person i was when i walked into it. i felt that it had made that impact it needed to make on people on me. i didn't know whether the people i watched with felt it too, but i did. i felt i was human again all suddenly. that i could feel his plea to everyone in countries who watched the show. Al Gore's a great man. please watch "the inconvenient truth". no doubt, i think there was some hidden political agendas that he addressed in this movie. but even so, who is to say movies nowadays are free of certain political agendas, certain advertisment agendas, certain pursuasive agendas, of simply putting it, a real innocent movie with no real motives? none i would say, furthermore, al gore had a good reason to address this political motive. the current president of united states has done nothing in this world to save humanity. his efforts to push for a terrorism-free world is no doubt worth commending, but he focused too much on using violence to cure violence. planet earth is threatened by a greater force than terrorism itself, by forces of nature called "human beings with old habits and new technology". we will be the undoing of ourselves.

do your part, look up www.climatecrisis.net

i feel like just shouting it out, "shut the hell up people. do you know how stupid you sound when you whine and complain about everything?!"

maybe when you take a ride home someday, just stop whatever you're doing, and listen to the singaporeans around you. Be it indians, malays, chinese, they gloat all the same.

"why like that huh.. wah lau, singapore so like that. this teacher just ticked me off for sitting down improperly on the chair, as if will kill like that.."

"youngsters nowadays, don't know to save, spend spend spend. don't know to study. never get As, don't know how to sit still and listen. not like our time, we listen to our parents, spend so little..."

"see la, the government at it again. talk so much cock. don't know how to do things. this cannot, that cannot. complain already never do anything also..."

i listen to this crap almost everyday. that their life sucks. singapore sucks. hey, i gotta ask, then why aren't you leaving? the choice is yours to leave, and there're definitely cheaper places to live in, like indonesia, phillipines, malaysia if you must. thing is people don't realise that they gotta make the differences themselves, to change their lives and not let the government do it. or the hgiher authority to do it. you have the responsibilty, to take charge of your own life. do it.

and take a look at people's eyes. look at them, look at how they stare into space, looking outside. they seem so lost with their lives. i don't see it in expatriates. i really don't. i see people leading lost lives. i know i have to find it. i'm not going to be lost.

its like, 7 days left to Gp papers. its really fast, and i say, come on. throw it at me. get it done, and move on. can't wait. can't wait. there's so much to do that i hardly remember any!

1) get my lasik done
2) wait for evonne to come back and go diving in phuket
3) train with the national team
4) swim and run everyday 2 days. on the same day.
5) work and secure deals at venture
6) try NUM
7) go shopping for clothes
8) maybe learn to drive
9) club
10) LEARN DANCING
11) catch up with pals
12) court her??
13) gym very very very often
14) look better, feel better
15) see Dr Beng about my wisdom tooth
16) have fun
17) enjoy life
18) get my juniors back on their feet and row
.
.
.

i don't know. hard to finish. but nevermind, i have four months anyway. =)

i came down with a fever 2 nights ago. i was running in the gym, planning to go for a 2 hour run. initially, everything was okay for the first 35 minutes. then i began to feel the tiredness set in, the amout of latic that my leg began to feel. i didn't know what was wrong, as i usually lasted more than 1 hour of continuous running. so i thought, heck, must be my mind, and i continued. but passing the 1 hour 10 barrier, my feet began to feel hot, which i haven't felt before in any of my long runs. i quickly stopped, and went to rest. had the funny feeling in me, the feeling i experienced the last time i fell ill : uncomfortably warm, giddy.. i knew i was going to have a fever then. so i hurried to bathe and went home, had panadols and went to bed.

funny thing was, even when the panadols were supposed to be drowsy, i couldn't get to sleep, a problem i had for the past 2 weeks. that i won't fall asleep before 1am or just wee bit earlier. i didn't know what happened to me anyway. but yeah, just kept tossing and turning. i was frustrated at myself, that i allowed that to happen, that i couldn't change anything. i was powerless with myself. and how stupid is that. my ownself, yet i couldn't do anything. i feel so useless.

then i picked up my phone, and started to sms people. my good guy friends at first. yes, some replied quickly, some took ages. but i realised that i couldn't and didn't want to, have a decent conversation with them. i tried, but i knew it wasn't for me. it was her, i wanted to know where she was, that she was fine, and converse with her. yeah, and i did. i'm a person who would do what i want to do. straightaway, her reply didn't disappoint me. as in, the fact is she replied in the middle of the night. but she was outside anyway, studying at the airport. yeah. but the messenges sent later, i felt, it was so hard on my part to be any thing that would identify with her. i don't have artistic talents, nor do i party hard, nor do i great friends who study late at night with her, i'm not crazy and fun-loving ; she don't workout much, she don't like running or she don't swim much, she's never into triathlons or dragonboat, she's not really interested in doing scuba diving... i don't know. that's what she and i are, after all those months. but i still like her no matter.

shit. i really have no idea. if i continue to wait on, i'm the one who suffers, not that she will even give a damn or she knows, but i choose to give up, i really will get emotional all over again, and look for quick alternatives to keep me away from thinking about her ( which will actually mean, i might be a bit desperate but not much ). any advice??

people have been saying i'm kinda emotional. that its funny for a guy to be that way. really? i think i deserve a right to be. can't you people just break out of sterotyping people, and for once, before you make any comments, think again, and ask whether what you want to say is fair.

i don't think i'm the kind of person who gives up easily after a failure. no matter the scale, i think that i will always try to overcome, to push for the success, hoping to see the light.

think i won't give up. i will continue for her after the A's. but can't let her know yet, or rather, shouldn't tell her that i'm not giving up. she needs all the time to study for her 2 subjects. compared to a person who has 4, me.

the stupid haze. how am i supposed to run outdoors in that kind of smoke. will probably suffer from smoke inhalation right after i complete 15km on the run route. hope the wind blows it back to them. let them die.

it takes me an hour or so to fall asleep when i hit my bed. could it be insomia acting, or just playful thoughts of my mind that keep going even when i try not to think so.

fark. i don't know what's going with me. i feel so empty.

this girl, whom i danced with on friday called me a desperate, which i found out from huisin, who found out from junxiong, who found out from kannan, who found out from gary, who found out from his girlfriend, who was with the girl that i danced with. i mean, come on bitch, u danced with me willingly and u still call a desperate? if you don't like desperates, then don't dance with them! and by the way, i'm not a desperate. you see, girls dancing with girls and perfectly fine. but if you see a guy dancing with another guy, that's off! OFF! you can't blame us for finding girls to dance with right? again, what a bitch.

yeah. its 15 days left, and 32 to the end. mug hard, asshole. stop thinking about having fun.

i feel so random now. someone come pick me up by the hand, and bring me to peace with myself. i lost touch with it. money's become the issue in the family. i sense the hard times that my dad's facing right now. that the shrinking income, and burgeoning expenses, i just feel so love/hate for my dad. one, he's my dad, and i really appreciate and love him, for all that he has given me : independence, self-reflection, maturity and money. yet, he pissess me off everytime we reach a unsolvable topic, like sense of openess... crap. but i just want to help him. i can't help it but to spend the money that has been given to me, or grab some fast cash from his wallet when i run out of mine. i wonder why has life played around our lives, this family. as much as i hate to admit it, its karma. really. dad's a stubborn man, who was offended many, done a lot of petty stuff, unwillingness to be generous. what comes around, goes around.

and that's why i will never be like him. i'm a person whose compassion, self-reflection, thought, liberalism, maturity exceeds anyone in the family. i want to bring about change to myself. i believe in idealism, instead of practically in tangible-loving singapore. yet, i don't think believing in idealism to the extent of compromising my career or anything that gives me financial ability will be wise too. people don't become like me if they continue to live in their stupid frog wells, and don't realise that singapore is just pathetic place. no real beliefs. as a matter of fact, i doubt there will 10% of singaporean males who are willing to give their lives up for singapore. instead, they will run and hide, those bastards, at the sight of troubled times. war comes, i will stand to fight. will you?

shi wei. its the first time i mentioned her name on my blig. really, i can't bring myself to forget the feelings i have for you. i'm just numbing myself. we might be "good friends" as you say, but i know its just so superficial. you would never allow me to enter your crcle of trust, or even your life. i'm still stucked outside after those months of waiting for you. you're like that, i don't know whether to love you for that, or hate your guts.

i get so moody sometimes. and it swings. love me, hate me. what will you readers choose? and you know what, even though when i hear your choice, i will say that its your choice not mine? somehow, somewhere inside me, i'll still give damn about your choice, just that consciously i try not to. how paradoxical. i'm an emotional man.

22 days.

i don't know how to start.

my post ain't going to so cheerful like justin's one though, that he managed to pass his BBDC and all.

been feeling like crap. yeah. she told me no. and i just don't know how to take it yet. i act as if it wasn't anything much. but, really, deep down, i'm still a guy who got thrown down to earth. it sucks.

and my prelim results? kinda fucked too. what the hell with a CCCD. with such grades, i'm going nowhere. prelims may be difficult, but i expected myself to be better. i made a choice to study really hard, stuck by papers after papers. i look back and see a wasted path. no matter, its still a road i'm walking down. no choice, no heading back.

i saw her in i-space today. she tried very hard not to look at me, i couldn't understand why, even after i told her we are still friends through the phone. i really can't help it but to feel so shitty. i like my friends around me, they give me a feeling that i'm appreciated as a person and as a friend. but, it still doesn't match that kind of feeling a person i like could give me.

shit. i'm really talking nonsense here. just whining about my life. hope you readers don't mind.

its 22 days left. my physics foundation is just weak. so is my maths. at least chemistry, i beginning to gain my confidence. econs, i don't know. 50 50? UGH. what the hell anyway. just study right. so practical in singapore. the goddamn As don't even mean a thing in life if i lived in a place besides singapore.

i want to feel being loved.